Get Onboard With Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Hey Gang,

As a Corporate Trainer, who neither works for a corporation nor trains people, I like to keep my ear to the ground on industries that I am not employed in.  I have seen a lot of articles lately about onboarding and the importance of doing it correctly.  I don't really know what the term "onboarding" means, but agree that the process is important.

 Here is some of the information that I have gathered: Onboarding has something to do with new people working at a company.  Contrary to my behavior at new jobs, where I walk in and ask, "Where's my desk? Who is in charge of getting me coffee? What exactly does this business do???" some companies have a whole system designed to get fresh employees "on board" to their new surroundings. As an almost-professional trainer, I have thought of some great ways to improve on this mechanism.

First Day of TRAINing - Rather than having onboarding, companies should have, "All Aboarding!"  This is when the hiring manager or HR reps greet employees on their first day dressed like a train conductor.  The employees will hand their offer letters over and the manager or HR rep will punch holes in it like one of  the cartooned Tom Hanks in The Polar Express.  It would be a hoot!  HR could yell "All Aboard...When I say Chugga, you say Choo Choo....Chugga..."

What's more fun for a new employee than dancing and clapping along with the person that they will be reporting to for the foreseeable future?  Good stuff!

Hang Ten on Day One- Another great idea is to have a surfer theme on the first day of employment.  That same manager or HR rep could greet newbies in a sarong and flip flops (which are huge dress code violations) while carrying a surf board over their shoulders. They could greet everyone saying "Surf's up and so is Benefits Enrollment if we don't hurry and get started."

So Boring- Let's face it onboarding isn't always exciting, so my last idea is to embrace the blase. Give each new hire a fidget spinner on arrival, encourage them to check their phones for messages or even watch You-Tube videos.  "This Onboarding is Oh-So-Boring" could be on a banner hung in their new cubicle.

As always, I love training and hope this helps any hiring professional out there!  Also if anyone wants to hire me, just send me an email.  I have my first-day sarong all ready to go!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

How To Win Fiends and Influenza People

Hey Gang.

One of my favorite and fun holidays is upon us, I have celebrated it every year since I was young,  I am, of course, talking about National Cat Day on October 29th,  I don't have a cat as a pet, I have tried on several occasions to adopt one, but the kitties always seem to prefer the feral life to living with me.

Halloween, a lesser celebrated holiday, is also next week.  This is when costumed children take on the role of stray animals and walk from house to house begging for scraps of food.  I remember a few Halloweens as a child, I would ask my parent's for suggestions as to what I should be, They would say, "Be who we love most" so I would dress up like my siblings.

Trick or treat safety is always an issue for kids too,  It's important to remember to have loose fitting costumes if you want to steal other children's candy.  Also, parents should check their kids' bags for razor blades in apples.  As a precaution, just throw out any apples, preferably at the neighbors who hand out the apples, this is a candy holiday.

Last year, an internet rumor about clowns made everyone all a twitter.  This year, a clown on Twitter is making everyone anxious.  Remember that holidays are a time for fun and relaxation.  Feeling worried for the future is for regular days, so give yourself permission to have fun on a Tuesday night. (Unless you normally participate in Taco Tuesday, then you are used to great Tuesdays!)

I hope these tips help you enjoy the holidays.  For all my feline friends reading this: I have tuna, no strings attached. ( I also have string for you to play with, but there are strings attached, it's the other string.)

Take Scare,

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Who Do The Kudzu That You Do?

Hey Gang,

I had the pleasure of doing some (court ordered) volunteer work.  I had to pull kudzu from trees in  a nearby park.  Kudzu is an invasive species of vines that takes over bushes or trees.  If not weeded, it can take over and keep the host plant from getting sunlight.  As I spent hours working on this task it made me think...we all have kudzu in our lives.

Everyone one of us are tall and mighty trees trying to grow tall, but something always sneaks up on us and tries to steal our sunlight.  Sometimes our kudzu is insecurity, sometimes it's fear of failure, my personal kudzu is disliking hard work.

I also noticed that there is a distinct smell to kudzu. At first I thought it smelled good, but after awhile I realized that the smell was pungent. It smells like bacon until it starts smelling like vines.  That got me to thinking that often bacon can be our personal kudzu as well.  I like to eat bacon until my sweat start smelling like vines.

I think everyone should pull kudzu and have the same inspiration that I did.  A lot of parks need weeding and gardening done.  I recommend volunteering your time. I'm not really sure how to volunteer at local parks.  Most parks are open to the public, so just show up with your shovels and picks and starting weeding the trees.  If someone asks what you are doing, tell them Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer sent you!

Have a great day!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

My Own Gizmo

Hey Gang,

I have mentioned before that I am a Life Coach that lives in my 1968 Gremlin in the Walmart parking lot.  Now some of you may say, "Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer, I am a car enthusiast and the Gremlin didn't come out until 1970."  Which is true.  My Gremlin was the beta test car of all the Gremlins.  It was given to my Grandpa Gainer back before they had crash test dummies.  AMC (the Gremlin's manufacturer) would just call my Grandfather every evening and if he was still around to answer the phone, they assumed the Gremlin passed the safety test.

I like that my home/transportation was handed down from generation to generation.  After my Grandfather survived being an owner of this beauty, he handed it down to my father, who politely declined the offer.  Later, when I asked my father for some rent money, he told me to just live in the Gremlin and here I am in now!

The Gremlin is a pleasure to drive and to live in.  I named her Gizmo after the 1977 movie, Gizmo.  My favorite part of the car is the hatch-back, or as I like to call it, my lanai.  It keeps things cool on the humid Fl nights and it is also acts as my security system. (Shoppers walk by, look in and see my shrine to Tony Robbins and keep walking.)

Today is a big day for Gizmo, I am putting some indoor/outdoor carpet in her lanai.  I once tried to put shag carpet in her, but the candles from my Tony Robbins shrine kept starting fires.

Take Care,

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Total E-Clips of the Part

Hey Gang,


As you have heard by now, there will be a giant E-Clips coming soon.  Everyone is saying it will be historic and special glasses are going to be needed when the E-Clips happens.  I personally think it will be like Shakespeare's quote, "much Scooby Doo about nothing."

This is my first E-Clips.  I have had experience with E-Harmony, E-Mail and I once tried an E-Cigarette, but never an E-Clips.  Personally, I am little confused on how someone can get a haircut on the internet, but I have never truly understood how this wide world web works.  I think that it may be an app (like the kids call it) that you download and it clips your hair, hence the term E-Clips.

It seems unfair to human hair dressers.  There are so many jobs that these computers have taken over, this is just another casualty of the technical age.  I have decided not to participate in the E-Clips.  As a Gainer, our hair genetically stops growing after a certain age.  My Great Grandmother Gainer had a Dorothy Hamilton bob until she was 98.

Have a great August 21st and remember, only you can choose to get a cyber haircut!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

The Dawn of the Dread

Hey Gang,

As you know by now, I am a life coach. I like to give free advice from time to time.  Since I haven't had a paying client in awhile...or ever, I thought that this may be a good time to impart my wisdom.  Morning routines are very important.  I would like to share with you my personal morning ritual.

Mornings are the most important early part of the sunrise.  Some other life coach "experts" suggest that meditation, exercise and stretching are a great way to begin each day.  I tend to disagree.  I think waking up with dread in your heart is a great motivator!.  Making mental lists of all the reasons staying in bed (or in my case, the backseat of my 1968 Gremlin) would be easier than facing a bleak reality, really helps you to put life in prospective.

Also, I am a big believer (like the president) that too much exercise wears down your internal battery. Let's say that you do get up and do some cardio that has your blood pumping and your heart racing, it's just gonna make you sleepy later on.  Instead, have a sugary snack and when you later crash, just have another sugary snack.  It's that simple!

Finally, use the precious hours of the morning to really concentrate on the things you are resentful of.  It's like an "attitude of gratitude" in reverse.  I call it a "mindset of things you didn't get."  Just take a 5-10 minutes to think of all the things you have wanted, but life somehow never let you have.  That empty feeling in your soul will be more than ready for the sugary breakfast snack its about to receive.

Hope this helps!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Lady Who Who

Hey Gang,

There is a televison show in England that features a hero of sorts called "The Doctor."  I am not sure what the doctor's last name is. This doctor travels through time and space in something called a TARDIS.  It  looks like an old American phone booth, but it's actually a British police box, which is a phone booth used only for English emergencies.

The Doctor has gone on many adventures and has had many enemies.  All of the foes are scary and challenging. Some are very scary, like the Weeping Angels, they are statues that stay still if you look at them, but if you blink or glance away, they will attack. (This once resulted in me staring down a garden gnome for hours.  It was intense and I was banned from Walmart's garden section for six months.)  The most famous nemesis of The Doctor are the Daleks, they look like a bedazzled R2D2 and sound like an old scratched record that skips.

There are also times when The Doctor regenerates.  Every time a regeneration happens, The
Doctor looks like a totally different person. He's looked like old English men, middle-aged English men and young English men. Twice the regeneration made him Scottish.  It was announced that The Doctor will be regenerating into a woman for the next season of the show.

Some people are upset that a time travelling fictional character will take the form of a woman.  I'm not quite sure why.  I have tried to come up with reasons why a women couldn't be a super-natural sci-fi hero.  Here is what I have so far:

The  bathrooms in the TARDIS only has urinals.
Time travel is dependent up the amount a chest hair that the traveler has.
Only an Adam's apple can stop a Dalek.
The Tardis can get chilly and there aren't sweaters readily available.
One of the "stops" may  have a pull-up contests in which women typically have less upper body strength than a man.

I'm still stumped, I am looking forward to seeing how the show progresses.  Since my 1968 Gremlin that I live in doesn't get cable, I am hoping that the Electronics Dept in Walmart will be showing the Christmas special.

Take Care,

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Your Mother Has Weight Issues

Hey Gang,

Lately I have been hearing about roast battles.  At first I thought it sounded delicious.  I'm usually team-pot roast but can be swayed with a pork roast, especially if black beans and rice are involved.. Then I found out that roast battles were just organized insult competitions.  In the age of anti-bullying campaigns and trigger words, what a refreshing way to communicate!

The first time I heard anyone hurling insults in an organized fashions was in a "Yo-Mama" off.  This is where young men and women trade jokes based on slandering each other's mothers.  Most of the jokes insinuate that someone's mom, usually the most beloved person in a young person's life, is obese, really stupid or morally corrupt. Hilarious!

I, for one, think there should be a way to participate in the fellowship of roasting, without having to put down your opponent's maternal figure, because if it's one thing that my mother has always told me it's, "Kid, you're on your own. Don't drag me down with you."  (I do love that woman!)

So I have compiled some "Yo Mama" jokes that still let the joke teller look cool while saving the sanctity of their mother.

"Your mother has several eating disorders based on her disappointment in you." (That one is a true story!)

"Your mother has a low IQ and it's probably genetic"

"Your mother is not very technically inclined so she probably isn't reading this blog."

I hope you can use some of the zingers!  If you need anymore suggestions on calling people rude and obnoxious names, check out our elected official Twitter accounts.  They sure know how to sound like the kids today!

All me best!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Listen To What You're Hearing.

Hey Gang,

As you know, Tony Robbins is my spirit animal.  I have wanted to motivate the masses like that gravel-voiced Adonis since I first saw him on Oprah.(Oprah is my spirit human.)  He can light up the room with his powerful words and gleaming teeth.  He's like a televangelist with rock hard abs that doesn't need to offer eternal salvation.

In my never-ending quest to motivate myself to become more motivating, I will often do research. I find wisdom through books, articles and memes. (That little boy who shakes his fist is quite a thinker.)  I recently read that motivation  isn't about what you say, it is about what people hear.  This passage was like a light bulb moment for me. (I would say aha moment, but I don't want another cease and desist letter from my spirit human.)  If it's about what people are hearing rather than what you are saying, that only means one thing...Google Translator!

I will offer my words of wisdom and advice and then put them into Google Translator.  I will put in phrases like, "You Be You", "Keep On Keeping On" and "Keep on Being You!"  (They are the staples of my motivational speeches.)   I can't wait to see what they are translated into and what people hear from those translations.  It will be like an electronic game of mad libs!  If this works out, maybe I can finally get that island in Fiji near Tony's island. (I can't buy the one right next to him, my latest restraining order prohibits it.)

Until next time!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Cold War-ming

Hey Gang,

As a corporate trainer/life coach/unemployed guru, it is important for me to keep current with the news.  I usually take about an hour each morning to read up on everything that is going on in the world.  The first 30 minutes is spent looking at news website and the last 30 minutes is spent, rocking myself in a fetal position out of shear terror from what I just read.  I like to call it "panic cardio."  I was thinking about making it the latest workout craze!

Russia has been in the news a lot lately.  Being scared of the Russians brings me back to my childhood where I would only have one newspaper and one newscast that brought terror into my day. The times were simpler and the hairstyles were bigger back then.

The cold war was always discussed.  Even then, as Cathy Gainer Junior Trainer, I learned that art of pretending to know what everyone was talking about.  As wars go...Gang War, Nuclear War and  World War... the Cold War didn't seem so bad.  Just bring a sweater.

Now we are reliving Russians tension in an age of global warming.  What would that do to a cold war?  Would the two counter-act one another.  If the cold war starts but greenhouse gases heat up, would that cause harmony on our planet?  I am not sure.  I bought 10 cans of Aquanet just in case things get dicey and we need to burn more ozone in the name of world peace.

Take care and think happy thoughts while you read scary things!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Tony! Tony! Tony!

Hey Gang,

As life-long fan of Tony Robbins, I wasn't surprised to hear that he has his own awards show.  It was broadcast last Sunday and people have been posting about it since.  It was a fancy event filled with talent , music and celebrities. It was simply called the "Tony Awards."

Tony Robbins has always been my inspiration and the reason I decided to be a corporate trainer/life coach/motivational arouser. I realize that I don't have his well chiselled body that make those black shirts hang off of him like a work of art, or a set of perfectly white teeth that light up the room when he smiles, or even his fees of thousands of dollars that help to extra inspire people.  I do, though, have one thing that he has...his words.  I say his words verbatim. I have memorized  most of the stuff he has written in his books or during his appearances on Oprah.  (Where are the Oprah Awards, by the way?  It's time to step up, America.)

Thanks to someone not signing out of the Netflix account on a public library computer, I was able to see Tony's latest special.  Oh my was I impressed! Not only was he charismatic and handsome, he was also dangerously dispensing psychological advise that he was clearly not qualified to give.  It was kind like watching people at a church, if the church had charged thousands of dollars and the preacher berated them in front of the congregation.  Netflix, you were worth that low monthly fee a stranger paid for.

Well kids, go out there today and find your motivation . Maybe you will find it from me, or from Tony, or from me talking about Tony.  Go find your happiness.  And remember what Tony always says...."That's great!!!" (That was actually Tony the Tiger.  As per some on-going legal battles, I am not allowed put any of Tony Robbins direct quotes in my blogs and I have to stay at least a thousand feet from his property.)

Thanks Gang,

Cathy Gainer, Corporate Trainer

Haters Be Hating

Hey Gang,

The great T-Swizzle has taught us that Haters gonna hate, the Fakers gonna fake and off course the Shakers gonna shake it off.  This got me to thinking...do I have Haters?  Am I a Hater?  I am a Breather, an Eater, a Fantasizer of Tony Robbins, but a Hater?  I don't think so.

There are a few people that I feel extremely envious of.  I mean the envy eats me up so much that I can't sleep, I obsess about them and wish for their ultimate demise.  I don't think that makes me a Hater.  I would call it more of an Envier or a Borderline Dangerous Jealouser, but not a hater.  I am not really sure what a Hater is.

I have decided to get prepared for the day I do have a Hater.  I think my Hater will be a young 20-something person.  I can't decide if it will be male or female, so for now I will just refer to them as Jordan. 

Jordan will at first be struck by my training skills.  Jordan will try to emulate everything I do, but will soon be frustrated that he/she can never truly be a corporate trainer of Cathy Gainer's caliber.  Things will get ugly, I will be tempted to sink to Jordan's level when the mud starts slinging, but ultimately I will prevail the winner.

Having haters was hard. T-Swizzle was right and in a weird way I am glad that Jordan came in my life.  It will teach me a lot about myself, if it actually ever happens.

Take Care Gang,

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Who's this TED fellow?

Hey Gang,

Fun fact about me, I am thinking about wanting to become an inspirational speaker.  I have been thinking about it for years now.  I have looked into it and it turns out that you have to have a message of inspiration in order to become an inspirational speaker.  There is always a catch, it seems.

I have noticed that a lot of speakers refer to a gent name TED and his talks.  I am not sure who this person is, but I am assuming his first name is Theodore, but he is totally cool with everyone calling him  by a casual nickname.

With all due respect to Theodore and his man admirers, I think there should be more than one lone dude inspiring the world.  What if many speakers would gather and discuss subjects like technology, or entertainment, or even design?  Can you imagine what insight and education that would be!  We could call something clever like "Uncle Teddy's Band Of Speech Givers That Really Make You Think".  If that's too long, maybe it could be shortened to something catchy and with alliteration.  Who knows.

Take care, I am going to be practicing giving a speech with a Janet Jackson headset in hopes of being struck by inspiration real soon.

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

The No Fidget Spin Zone

Hey Gang,

Years ago when I was a child, my father used to say to me, "Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer, stop your fidgeting!"  He had all sorts of gems like that.  "Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer, sit still!"  "Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer, be quiet!"  "Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer, I am not your real father."  Awe, the memories.

It really felt like a blast from the past when I saw the new trend of fidget spinners.  For those of you who don't know what they are, it is a shiny object that people spin with their hands out of nervousness or impatience.  It's not to be confused with the cell phones everyone has in their hands and reads to satisfy their dopamine levels.  Awe, the 21st Century.

It got me to thinking, why does modern society need to be so distracted?  Why can't we just throw away our fidget spinners and  just appreciate the things in life that we already have like the internet? Or television? Or even video games?  It's almost like people are desperately trying to numb themselves to all that 2017 has to offer.  Awe, the foreshadowing.

Take care gang and remember, the distraction that you find today, will be the very thing that you will procrastinate tomorrow.


Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Super isn't Just For Bowls

Hey Gang,

As you know,  there is a big game coming up.  It's called the Super Bowl.  Here comes the confusing part, there is absolutely no bowling in this event.  I found out the hard way that bringing a 10 lb bowling ball into a stadium is frowned upon and conversely bowling alleys don't like it when you wear football cleats on their lanes.  Rules, who can keep up?

I often wonder why it is called the Super Bowl.  While it is super, maybe it could have been called the Awesome Bowl, the Ample Bowl or the Concussion Bowl.  If it were up to me, it would be called the Nifty Bowl, because all those rich people in one place is nifty!

Now that we know the Patriots will be playing the Falcons, it begs the question of who to root for.  I like actual falcons.  They are strong and fierce, but can be controlled when blinders are put on them. The same can be said for actual patriots.

The commercials for the Super Bowl are always a fun hit.  Even people who don't normally watch football will tune in just to see the commercials.  Those same people may also get offended by one of the commercials and speak out against it in the weeks to follow.  It's a fun tradition, along with endless debates on who ruined the halftime show.

Since I don't own a TV or a home to watch a TV in, I am already deciding where to view the big game.  My favorite place is in front of the many TV screens at the Best Buy. They  have the highest definition televisions and slowest security guards in town.

Enjoy the gang folks! Please remember to snack responsibly.  Although, junk food is fun, it makes you sluggish when security is chasing you out of the Best Buy.

Go Sports!
Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Cathy Gainer Answers Your Questions!

Hey Gang,

I haven't gotten any comments on my blog yet, so I am going to answer some of the questions that I am imaging that you are asking. The first one would obviously be, "Cathy Gainer, Corporate Trainer, what kind of trainer are you?  It seems like you know nothing and have no real experience at anything."

Let me first respond by sincerely thanking you for noticing. I appreciate the shout-out.  To answer your question, life is a training ground for living, so since I have been alive for several decades, I am an expert level trainer.  My focus of training is on leadership, but I  have been a subordinate in most of my jobs that pay money, so that presents a challenge.

I am also a technical trainer.  It has taken me years, but I have finally figured out the Dewey Decimal system.  I am offering classes at the library to explain how books are classified.  It's a great skill to learn and until people can magically ask questions on any subject to a machine and get an instant answer, we will all benefit from learning Mr. Dewey's expertise.

I am also looking into something called eLearning.  It seems to be all the rage.  I am not sure what it is.  My guess is it some kind of  Spanish training and I would be the eL Trainer.

Feel free to ask me questions in the comment section.  Having a real question to answer would be nifty!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

The House That Ethics Built

Hey Gang,

We have heard a lot about ethics recently in the news.  Many of you may be thinking, what are these crazy ethics that I keep hearing about?  Don't worry if you are confused.  Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer is here to help.

In households, ethics are handed down from generation to generation. In Congress, ethics need a committee to decide what activities will be exposed to the public and which can be handled internally.  It's like living in a bio-dome of questionable morality.  It sounds fun!

Being ethical isn't always easy.  Even I, Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer, have had to think long and hard about my ethics in certain situations.  Let me take you back in time when I was Cathy Gainer Junior Trainer, I had been given the daunting task of  training a group of people to give me money when I was standing on the corner asking them for money.  Surprisingly, most people I trained had trouble hearing me. Often they wouldn't make eye contact or respond when I loudly asked, "Are you even hearing me???"

Once when a young was running across the street to avoid me, a lot of change fell from his pocket.  It left me wondering if this was my tip.  Did he purposely want those many quarters to come flying out of his front hoodie pocket?  There I was in a conundrum, should I take the 75 cents and get that protein packed Slim Jim that I so desperately needed or track him down and give him his change?  I decided to the right thing and sprint towards him.  I yelled, "Hey you, young man, you dropped your money!!! Stop running so fast!!! I will track you down!!!"

Finally, he turned around and yelled back, "Keep it!!! Leave me alone!!!"

The mystery was solved.  He, indeed, meant to leave a tip all along.  It was my ethics and deep commitment to doing the right thing that chased him down four blocks.  Was it easy?  No it wasn't, but sometimes doing the right thing is hard.

I hope this helps.

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

New Year, Knew You

Hey Gang,

Now that we are in a new year.  I have resolved to help everyone with their resolutions.  I have thought about wanting to try to change this year and I know many of you are thinking about wanting to try to change this year too, maybe.

As a corporate trainer, it is my job (that I don't get paid at) to help you achieve this goal.  In fact, in order to have a successful resolution, you must set goals.  It's often suggested that you should write your goals down and not tell anyone.  The idea is to work hard at the goal and only present it to the world once it has been achieved.  Well gang, today I am here to tell you that is all nonsense.  It's an urban myth like pop rocks exploding in your stomach, swallowed gum taking 7 years to dissolve and your parents saying they mailed money for your rent last week.

If you have a goal, NEVER write it down.  Putting it on paper, unleashes it out to the world before it's ready.  Just think about your goal a lot and vaguely tell everyone about it by using these statements. "This will be my year."  "Look out world, here I come!"  "This will be the last time I will have to ask my parents for rent money, hopefully."

Also, if you write down a specific goal then you are held accountable and the goal becomes measurable.  It is easier to achieve a goal if it wasn't clearly defined.  You can claim success later in the year by using statements like, "slow and steady wins the race."  "I can tell I made progress."  "My landlord said I need that rent money by Tuesday, Mom."

I hope this helps!  May you all have a great new year and keep on gaining!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer