Lady Who Who

Hey Gang,

There is a televison show in England that features a hero of sorts called "The Doctor."  I am not sure what the doctor's last name is. This doctor travels through time and space in something called a TARDIS.  It  looks like an old American phone booth, but it's actually a British police box, which is a phone booth used only for English emergencies.

The Doctor has gone on many adventures and has had many enemies.  All of the foes are scary and challenging. Some are very scary, like the Weeping Angels, they are statues that stay still if you look at them, but if you blink or glance away, they will attack. (This once resulted in me staring down a garden gnome for hours.  It was intense and I was banned from Walmart's garden section for six months.)  The most famous nemesis of The Doctor are the Daleks, they look like a bedazzled R2D2 and sound like an old scratched record that skips.

There are also times when The Doctor regenerates.  Every time a regeneration happens, The
Doctor looks like a totally different person. He's looked like old English men, middle-aged English men and young English men. Twice the regeneration made him Scottish.  It was announced that The Doctor will be regenerating into a woman for the next season of the show.

Some people are upset that a time travelling fictional character will take the form of a woman.  I'm not quite sure why.  I have tried to come up with reasons why a women couldn't be a super-natural sci-fi hero.  Here is what I have so far:

The  bathrooms in the TARDIS only has urinals.
Time travel is dependent up the amount a chest hair that the traveler has.
Only an Adam's apple can stop a Dalek.
The Tardis can get chilly and there aren't sweaters readily available.
One of the "stops" may  have a pull-up contests in which women typically have less upper body strength than a man.

I'm still stumped, I am looking forward to seeing how the show progresses.  Since my 1968 Gremlin that I live in doesn't get cable, I am hoping that the Electronics Dept in Walmart will be showing the Christmas special.

Take Care,

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Your Mother Has Weight Issues

Hey Gang,

Lately I have been hearing about roast battles.  At first I thought it sounded delicious.  I'm usually team-pot roast but can be swayed with a pork roast, especially if black beans and rice are involved.. Then I found out that roast battles were just organized insult competitions.  In the age of anti-bullying campaigns and trigger words, what a refreshing way to communicate!

The first time I heard anyone hurling insults in an organized fashions was in a "Yo-Mama" off.  This is where young men and women trade jokes based on slandering each other's mothers.  Most of the jokes insinuate that someone's mom, usually the most beloved person in a young person's life, is obese, really stupid or morally corrupt. Hilarious!

I, for one, think there should be a way to participate in the fellowship of roasting, without having to put down your opponent's maternal figure, because if it's one thing that my mother has always told me it's, "Kid, you're on your own. Don't drag me down with you."  (I do love that woman!)

So I have compiled some "Yo Mama" jokes that still let the joke teller look cool while saving the sanctity of their mother.

"Your mother has several eating disorders based on her disappointment in you." (That one is a true story!)

"Your mother has a low IQ and it's probably genetic"

"Your mother is not very technically inclined so she probably isn't reading this blog."

I hope you can use some of the zingers!  If you need anymore suggestions on calling people rude and obnoxious names, check out our elected official Twitter accounts.  They sure know how to sound like the kids today!

All me best!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

6 Reasons Why Articles Objectify Subjective Subjects.

Hey Gang,

I often read articles from informational websites that tell me that the things I enjoy are bad.  For years I thought that  my favorite movies were entertaining and appealing to me.  Well, it turns out that I was wrong.  The authors of these blog posts offer their opinion to create lists and rankings to make rules on what is normally subjective.  It's fun!

All of the articles that list top the 10 best/worst of almost any forms of entertainment tell me that I have terrible tastes in songs/movies/tv shows and books.  It's all very interesting.  I have found that being over 30 and a woman is a disadvantage to knowing what is good and what is bad in the world of entertainment.

Let's take superhero movies.  I never read comic books as a kid.  I thought DC was a city that the president lived in and that Marvel was something I did when I watched Tony Robbins. That isn't the case.  These superhero movies have been the backbone to the box office for the last decade.  What makes a good movie are stories about people with super-human strength or who are some sort of mutant.  Any other story line will definitely make it on the "worst" list.

The same goes for music.  All of music that I listened to as a young person and enjoyed because of the memories they created are all garbage songs.  I guess good music didn't exist until the dawn of the millennium. 

Thanks internet!  You always teach me new things.

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Listen To What You're Hearing.

Hey Gang,

As you know, Tony Robbins is my spirit animal.  I have wanted to motivate the masses like that gravel-voiced Adonis since I first saw him on Oprah.(Oprah is my spirit human.)  He can light up the room with his powerful words and gleaming teeth.  He's like a televangelist with rock hard abs that doesn't need to offer eternal salvation.

In my never-ending quest to motivate myself to become more motivating, I will often do research. I find wisdom through books, articles and memes. (That little boy who shakes his fist is quite a thinker.)  I recently read that motivation  isn't about what you say, it is about what people hear.  This passage was like a light bulb moment for me. (I would say aha moment, but I don't want another cease and desist letter from my spirit human.)  If it's about what people are hearing rather than what you are saying, that only means one thing...Google Translator!

I will offer my words of wisdom and advice and then put them into Google Translator.  I will put in phrases like, "You Be You", "Keep On Keeping On" and "Keep on Being You!"  (They are the staples of my motivational speeches.)   I can't wait to see what they are translated into and what people hear from those translations.  It will be like an electronic game of mad libs!  If this works out, maybe I can finally get that island in Fiji near Tony's island. (I can't buy the one right next to him, my latest restraining order prohibits it.)

Until next time!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Nothing Rhymes With Chipotle

Hey Gang,

As our country grows, changes and becomes a melting pot of people, so does our fast food-sit down-chain restaurants.  Today we have Italian grills, Korean barbecues and California pizzas.  What started out as a food from a specific culture, gets extracted and mixed with staples of Americana, which usually includes extra cheese and ranch dressing to bring us the modern cuisine that we have today.

Nothing makes me happier than eating a Chipolte Rice Bowl.  It's like an unwrapped burrito that you eat with a fork or a Chinese meal that it made up entirely of Mexican food.  It's filling and delicious!

Even the set up of a Chipolte restaurant is a hybrid of different fast food joints.  Most interiors look like a beatnik-laden coffee house, but the ordering process is a lot like a Subway.  It has fresh food, a long line of people individualizing each order, and employees that don't make eye contact when I point out each condiment and say "Does this have e-coli?  How about this? Ok what about this one?"

The next time you go out to eat, take note of all the cultures that your food is representing.  Is it a food that has a Spanish flair,  an Asian inspired dish or good old American Cheetos stuffed with mac and cheese?

 Bone Appetizers!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Summer Solistice

Hey Gang,

Summer solstice is today and quite frankly, it's my favorite of all solstices.  It is the longest day of the year, but really the least celebrated of all the sun holidays.  I just don't think that this holiday has done a very good job of marketing itself, which is a shame since this is an age of social media and do-it-yourself advertising.

I have a few suggestions to help boost summer solstice's popularity.  For one, there are no mascots like Santa, Easter Bunny or leprechauns for summer solstice.  Why not have an imaginary character for children to look forward to in the summer?  It should represent what June is about, summer, sun and outside.  Maybe the mascot should be Niles, the Magical Mosquito?   He comes every solstice biting the children and filling them with summer fun.

Children all over the northern hemisphere will anticipate Niles arrival by putting standing water outside their house, opening their windows and hiding their bug spray.  Niles will sneak in at night when children are sleeping and ravage their skin with summer-fun.  When the children wake up they will be itchy and ready for fun in the sun!

Also summer solstice doesn't have any greeting cards.  Why not exchange summer time salutations with a Hallmark card that reads:

Summer vacation is here and we will travel for miles
Enjoying the pool and waiting for Niles
Soaking in the sun and enjoying the light
While we put Calamine Lotion on all of Nile's bites

Happy Summer Solstices!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

Cold War-ming

Hey Gang,

As a corporate trainer/life coach/unemployed guru, it is important for me to keep current with the news.  I usually take about an hour each morning to read up on everything that is going on in the world.  The first 30 minutes is spent looking at news website and the last 30 minutes is spent, rocking myself in a fetal position out of shear terror from what I just read.  I like to call it "panic cardio."  I was thinking about making it the latest workout craze!

Russia has been in the news a lot lately.  Being scared of the Russians brings me back to my childhood where I would only have one newspaper and one newscast that brought terror into my day. The times were simpler and the hairstyles were bigger back then.

The cold war was always discussed.  Even then, as Cathy Gainer Junior Trainer, I learned that art of pretending to know what everyone was talking about.  As wars go...Gang War, Nuclear War and  World War... the Cold War didn't seem so bad.  Just bring a sweater.

Now we are reliving Russians tension in an age of global warming.  What would that do to a cold war?  Would the two counter-act one another.  If the cold war starts but greenhouse gases heat up, would that cause harmony on our planet?  I am not sure.  I bought 10 cans of Aquanet just in case things get dicey and we need to burn more ozone in the name of world peace.

Take care and think happy thoughts while you read scary things!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer