My Yelp Review of the Atlantic Ocean

Hey Gang,

I found this nifty website that lets people give their opinions on a variety of  businesses that range from restaurants that I can't afford, to venues that I have never been to. It's fun to read these reviews.  I feel fancy and pretentious without having the bother of leaving my Gremlin.

Recently, I took a trip to the beach and had a less than stellar time. Admittedly, I am not the most well traveled person or even an unwell traveled person.  I haven't traveled a lot.  I kept hearing about this giant body of water that is only two hours from my house.  It has been my intent to go there for years, but one thing leads to another, and before you know it...I didn't go.  Finally I threw caution to the wind and decided make the trek to the sea!

Needless to say I had a less than stellar time, so I thought I would write a Yelp review about my experience.  I was not happy with my destination and wanted to express my displeasure. My review is about the Atlantic Ocean:

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer
Walmart Parking Lot, FL
0 Friends
1 Review
Not Allowed Anymore Photos

Upon arriving at the Atlantic Ocean I realized that there were no sidewalks leading out to the water. This beach had only sand! Even that wasn't consistent, in some places there were shells too. I complained to the lifeguard in charge. He seemed not to care and told me to stop rocking his tall chair. I noticed everyone else on the beach had either towels or chairs so I quickly took refuge with a family of four. They had towels, chairs and a giant umbrella. Unfortunately, that arrangement was short lived, I was told to leave by both parents and again by the life guard. (I guess he was FINALLY paying attention.) After trying to unsuccessfully befriend other beach goers, I decided to head into the water. It was very unstable. Every time I tried to walk into the ocean, a crest of water would crash against me. Several times I sternly yelled to the crowd,"Who is in charge? I keep getting hit with this out-of-control foam." It was then that I was told that these were waves and were natural to the surroundings. I had a lot to learn so I kept walking down the shoreline. Eventually, I became thirsty and drank a giant scoop of ocean water. It was full of salt! Was I ever upset! I turned right back around and complained again to the lifeguard again. Thankfully, he directed me to two bicycle cops that he had called. The police officers listened intently before asking me to leave. (So helpful.) Overall, I only gave it one star. The ocean was unsanitary and there was no air conditioning anywhere on the beach. I hope my review will open the public's eyes to the barbaric conditions on our shores.

Stay Awake Kids!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer