My Yelp Review of the Atlantic Ocean

Hey Gang,

I found this nifty website that lets people give their opinions on a variety of  businesses that range from restaurants that I can't afford, to venues that I have never been to. It's fun to read these reviews.  I feel fancy and pretentious without having the bother of leaving my Gremlin.

Recently, I took a trip to the beach and had a less than stellar time. Admittedly, I am not the most well traveled person or even an unwell traveled person.  I haven't traveled a lot.  I kept hearing about this giant body of water that is only two hours from my house.  It has been my intent to go there for years, but one thing leads to another, and before you know it...I didn't go.  Finally I threw caution to the wind and decided make the trek to the sea!

Needless to say I had a less than stellar time, so I thought I would write a Yelp review about my experience.  I was not happy with my destination and wanted to express my displeasure. My review is about the Atlantic Ocean:

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer
Walmart Parking Lot, FL
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1 Review
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Upon arriving at the Atlantic Ocean I realized that there were no sidewalks leading out to the water. This beach had only sand! Even that wasn't consistent, in some places there were shells too. I complained to the lifeguard in charge. He seemed not to care and told me to stop rocking his tall chair. I noticed everyone else on the beach had either towels or chairs so I quickly took refuge with a family of four. They had towels, chairs and a giant umbrella. Unfortunately, that arrangement was short lived, I was told to leave by both parents and again by the life guard. (I guess he was FINALLY paying attention.) After trying to unsuccessfully befriend other beach goers, I decided to head into the water. It was very unstable. Every time I tried to walk into the ocean, a crest of water would crash against me. Several times I sternly yelled to the crowd,"Who is in charge? I keep getting hit with this out-of-control foam." It was then that I was told that these were waves and were natural to the surroundings. I had a lot to learn so I kept walking down the shoreline. Eventually, I became thirsty and drank a giant scoop of ocean water. It was full of salt! Was I ever upset! I turned right back around and complained again to the lifeguard again. Thankfully, he directed me to two bicycle cops that he had called. The police officers listened intently before asking me to leave. (So helpful.) Overall, I only gave it one star. The ocean was unsanitary and there was no air conditioning anywhere on the beach. I hope my review will open the public's eyes to the barbaric conditions on our shores.

Stay Awake Kids!

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer

A Dry-Heave In Time

Hey Gang,


This past weekend I did something I hadn't done in a long time and went to the movies.  I saw that Oprah, who is kind of like a lady-Tony Robbins, was starring in a new film based on an old book.  Since I live on a tight budget, I decided to indulge, search for all the loose change that was in the floorboards of my Gremlin and go to an early matinee of A Wrinkle In Time.

The first thing I noticed is how much movie-going has changed.  After paying in sticky pennies and nickels, the lady behind the counter asked me to pick out my seat on a computer blue print of the theater.  I told her that I just wanted to "wing it" and take a look at the occupants in the cinema then sit next to someone who would hopefully become a life-long friend.  She told me that people were in line behind me and she picked a seat for me. (Such customer service!)

When I walked into the theater, it was like stepping into a rich person's living room. No longer were there rows and rows of short metal seats, now there were just a  few rows of fancy reclining chairs.  I went back to the lady at the counter and asked her if she had given me an upgrade. She told me that is how theaters are now and to leave her alone.

Once I settled into my Lazy-Boy-esque chair, the movie began... not the actual movie I paid to see, but 45 minutes of previewing upcoming blockbusters.  At one point, I forget which show I was there to watch.  Finally,  A Wrinkle In Time started.  The color was spectacular!  The imagery was beautiful! Oprah was at her Oprah-est!  Right when I thought the day couldn't get any better, I started to get the cold sweats, which turned into mild nausea, which turned into major nausea, which resulted in my taking off my jacket and retching into it.

As it turns out, the wonder and awe of the new cinematography makes me motion-sick.  I came to the realization that all these movies that cost hundreds of millions of dollars to produce will forever be lost on me and my weak inner-ear.  I stayed through the entire movie. I just closed my eyes and listened to words of the powerful lady that I used to watch on TV for free.

Despite, the queasiness I would give this movie a thumbs up or all the stars...whatever constitutes a good movie these days.  The message was a good one...use spray starch so time won't wrinkle, or maybe it was something different.  I can't remember, I felt terrible.

Stay Awake Kids,

Cathy Gainer Corporate Trainer